roasted pumpkin seeds! next year i'll try and celebrate properly.
i had a fight with a friend over something silly, and he too likes tarot, so i decided to pull a card.
give me guidance
the devil - reversed
releasing limiting beliefs, exploring dark thoughts, detachment
the cards love to make me laugh! this past week i had been studying buddhism and felt such a sense of peace from the concept of detachment, but how easily we are pulled back to earth by the ego! after reflecting on this card i considered my mistakes and wrote an apology. if he accepts it or not will be up to him - i've detached myself from the outcome! but that doesn't mean i can't take advantage of this opportunity for personal growth:
my unhealthy attachments which lead to arguments:
the desire to be right, the desire to win, the desire for the other person to perceive me as intelligent
where do these desires come from, and can i let them go?
a sense of inferiority and a desire to be understood. i was often misunderstood and experienced great pain from it - so as well, a desire to avoid pain
i think i can work on the desire to avoid being misunderstood. i can't control how others percieve me, i can only be my most honest self. i believe the sense of inferiority will fade as i more truly embody that self in my actions. and the desire to avoid pain? well i'm a living creature after all, it is my primary instinct to avoid pain - i'm not trying to become a buddha! just a better version of myself. that said, i can accept pain as a part of life, and try to better endure it.
oh, it's the day before halloween. i don't have any plans. the month passed so quickly, but i don't regret anything!
lately i've been quite spirited and productive. i felt i was taking strides towards a brighter tomorrow both physically and spiritually. i began to keep my home clean, work on my projects, be attentive with my loved ones, take charge of my physical and mental health and developed an earnest interest in buddhism and a practice in detachment! so why did i draw a card? i can't say exactly, i just felt like it. i had finished exhausting myself cleaning the floors and thought:
what should i do now?
page of pentacles - reversed
lack of progress, procrastination, learn from failure
at the time it surprised me, and i began to doubt myself. was i not doing enough? was all of this an exercise in futility? am i distracting myself from the real issues by keeping my house tidy? so i drew another, this time with the question:
what am i procrastinating?
the tower - reversed
personal transformation, fear of change, averting disaster
oh no! i had just spent some time watching videos about the antikythera mechanism as i recuperated from my cleaning efforts. a few people have, or are in the process of, producing a replica, and i thought it was quite fascinating! perhaps i'm being warned that i'm falling back into old habits? but this interpretation didn't sit right with me. as if to check, i drew another:
what should i become?
seven of pentacles - reversed
lack of long-term vision, limited success or reward
i really thought i was doing better! is this a warning?
am i procrastinating my personal development by focusing on small things like keeping the house tidy and drawing? am i feeling satisfied by daily life but ignoring my larger problems?
and then the seed of doubt blossomed into a thought - perhaps i'm reading it all wrong! what had i actually asked? and how had i actually been answered?
what should i do now? - procrastinate
what am i procrastinating? - personal development
what should i become? - lazy
and so, one last pull, i had to confirm!
are the cards condemning my recent efforts or telling me to take a break?
ten of wands - reversed
doing it all, carrying the burden, delegation, release
i couldn't help but laugh! alright, i'll relax a bit. and maybe i should get the robovac...