i would like to be more conscious of the way i phrase things; our words hold more power than we realize! i would like to avoid 'should' and replace it with 'i would like'. this way, i can differentiate between that which i believe in (intrinsic motivation), and what someone else has decided (extrinsic).
updated the gallery with several projects from the past year. disappointed with how little i produced, but i found myself consumed by the new xiv expansion. truthfully, i regret it. i don't think raiding is all that fun in the end, despite the strong desire to participate. i wish i had put my efforts and dreams towards something more worthwhile. hopefully i can learn my lesson and avoid future fomo! let's instead revel in jomo!
regarding art, i've been struggling quite a bit in developing a process. i am able to produce sketches and ideas i enjoy, but inevitably as i attempt to refine the piece i become frustrated with myself. i just don't know how to turn my sketch into a finished piece, and the more i massage it the less i like it! it's something i've touched on in the past - the realization that the actualization of a drawing can never match the potential of a sketch; but still i end up disappointed.
another issue is that i'm too precious with my ideas. they're not particularly special, but in the moment it feels that way. i should endeavor to complete my sketches to a degree of legibility and move on! if i decide to finish it later, whatever that means, i can try then.
i've failed to detach myself from the outcome! i don't think it's a bad thing; actually, i think i was incorrect in my thinking. i found this comment on a video particularly inspiring:
"I think this is one of the main problems of meditating without guidance, and why it's so important for monks to have a master and a sangha (community). Meditation isn't about self-indulgence or self-alienation, it's about developing true consciousness and attention. Without any guidance, it can turn into a mere analgesic exercise. Another toy for the ego, which turns from emotions of rejection and obsession into equally unhealthy indifference. This is why meditating in groups/communities is important, so as to not lose track of the fact that we are not singular beings separated from everything and everyone that surrounds us, as a matter of fact, there is no real separation. The separation is a product of our imagination. This is what Buddhism teaches at least."
as well as this article: When Arguments Happen: Answering, Defending, and Debating Compassionately
to detach yourself from the outcome of an argument with a friend is a bit self-centered, isn't it? i would like to resolve our tension through compassion and love. i'll keep trying!