i had no intention of joining a webring, but i truly love eggs!! they contain protein, fat, vit a, folate, b5, b12, b2, phosphorous, selenium, vit d, vit e, b6, calcium, zinc and other trace nutrients important for health! and they're delicious! if you're having a headache, try eating one - but please go for pasture-raised, if you can!
i missed the order window for the ffxi exhibition merch. i keep telling myself it's just consumerist junk but - i'm still upset!!
found this nugget of wisdom on another blog:
if you don't follow a god, you follow society;
and society is terrible.
their deity of choice was buddha. although many of us consider ourselves free from the shackles of organized religion, we must not mistake a lack of subscription for immunity from the very behaviors we find distasteful in the first place.
finally added content to the gallery page. i'm not proud of my work there, but we must start somewhere!
the cycle:
- idea
- incomprehensible brain energy manifesting untold greatness
- ???
- anhedonia
i think i burnt myself out again.
in browsing the recently updated, i've happened across a blog post which, let's say, ruffled my feathers. i know these types exist, but their propensity to claim logic in the face of such absurdity really gets me going.
i'll summarize:
a young man sees himself in the legendary swordsman Miyamoto Musashi. feelings of invincibility - the domain of youth - are stripped in a life-altering event which drags the subject, willingly or not, into the world of adults. those who do not experience this defining moment will forever remain children. in our age of isolation, the path to self-actualization is a lonely one, and it's feminist's fault for demonizing fraternity. for you see, all of the world's great achievements were manufactured by males! interestingly our author cites only acts of war/conquest for examples, and bemoans this "demonization of masculinity". hey - you said it, not me. he handwaves the oppression of females as irrelevant, as we are evolved for no more than supporting future generations of conquerors!
it's nothing new, the same old drivel eagerly gulped down by children desperately searching for a sense of relevancy and import in a world which ignores them. i've no issue with the pursuit of higher purpose and meaning. it's the inevitable pointing of the finger, however. that damned accusatory finger, which, somehow, someway, always, always finds a woman.
the path to self actualization is a difficult one, and you are correct in identifying that many do not long suffer it. but you fail in one catastrophically singular regard - you think it is the domain of males alone. you, sir, do not view me as human. it is this which disturbs me so. your personal philosophy is yours, and yours alone. but you seek not to simply pursue your truth, you intend to deny me mine. what, exactly, have we done to deserve such a thing? we have denied you nothing beyond the ownership of ourselves. we have demanded nothing more than our humanity be acknowledged in kind. and that, it appears, is simply too much!
from my perspective, the problem seems to be not with us, with females, but rather that you can't contend with a world in which there is nothing left to conquer*. a world without people beneath you. a world where, you aren't so special after all. i see that you've taken an interest in taoism. i think you would benefit upon the meditation of the three treasures.
*beyond the shadows of your own mind
i've been drawing quite a bit recently. i came across this video, which details an interesting rapid improvement method. it makes use of the business strategy PDCA - plan, do, check, action. i can find no fault with the logic, and i'm sure if one follows it they can't help but get closer to their goals!
for myself, i modified the strategy a bit, partly because i'm arrogant and partly because i'm lazy. rather than finding an artist and trying to imitate their style, i used a piece i had just finished and compared it to pieces by artists i admire who work in a similar style. i found many faults, but the most egregious was a sense of dynamism and depth. the piece felt flat, as if someone had stepped on it.
typing this reminds me of an article i had read many years ago in regards to the most common beginner mistake. in it the author had depicted a character flattened by a fly swatter. why is it only now that i realize fundamental lessons years after first hearing them? i suppose i'm a learn by doing type. i gathered a stack of (dynamic) references and got to work. to make the process more enjoyable i've been altering the costume of the figures. when i complete them all, i'll choose my favorites and post them!
i've removed the 'thoughts' section. i've decided i don't want to post anything in such a way as to imply it is my permanent opinion. i find myself quite frequently changing my mind, musing on positions which might be considered 'devils-advocate', or just simply holding conflicting ideas as i taste and consider them. i feel a diary more accurately reflects this dynamic state of mind. as i don't feel i had said anything particularly profound, and i've lost the dates of authorship, i'll let those words vanish to the ether.
we would not call the mirror human, but what of the reflection?
more musings on ai. i find myself thinking about it quite a bit. legalities aside, could you not argue that ai is something like a manifestation of our collective vision? and yet, it is inhuman. are humans defined by their individuality? we're born separately, and yet seem to desire unification, the whole, to be unalone.
or is it that we desire to be recognized? to confirm our existence. the part cannot exist without the whole to differentiate itself from. yin and yang. visions of the conclusion to evangelion - no matter how many years pass i can't seem to shake those scenes.
but back to ai: something that bothers me is the notion that we can tell. can we? truly? modern generations have all ten fingers. my personal tell seems to be along the lines of, 'a real human wouldn't invest so much effort into something like this'. too many details in the shadows. too much time spent on parts that don't matter. too much... perfection. and that realization disturbs me. we claim to dislike it, but when something is revealed to be a product of the machine, why do we feel disappointment?
and if you thought it was human, would you like it? could you love a reflection if you thought it was 'real'?
before relegating my mind to sleep, on naught more than a whim, i decided to pull a card. usually i'm a bit more prepared, i have something specific in mind that i want to contemplate. but at that moment i was simply feeling a mess and seeking a bit of comfort and direction.
eight of cups (reversed) - trying one more time, indecision, aimless drifting, walking away
my situation couldn't be summed up more perfectly. i had just finished a drawing and was feeling immense dissatisfaction. i couldn't stop thinking about ways to fix it, while simultaneously accepting that - although there were parts i liked - it was flawed from the start.
although validating, this card didn't feel particularly useful to me, so i drew another.
knight of swords - ambitious, action-oriented, driven to succeed, fast-thinking
can't argue with that! but again, how does this help me?
(on second read i realize this card also cautions against a lack of foresight, or planning - a lesson i've certainly learned in this artistic endeavor)
i drew once more.
the moon (reversed) - release of fear, repressed emotion, inner confusion
"The Moon Reversed can also show that you are receiving intuitive messages and psychic downloads but are struggling to understand what they mean for you."
guilty.
"When The Moon is reversed, you are being called to listen to your inner voice, and not the voice of someone else. Trust that the answers you need are already within you, and tune in to your inner guidance system to hear those answers."
did the cards just tell me to stop bothering them and figure it out on my own? i fell asleep with a smile. alright, fine - i'll follow my heart.
it is not until you finish something that you realize your mediocrity.
a sketch is pure, untainted - yet unreal. it is like a child, full of potential and thus beautiful, but unrealized. not yet real. to become real, choices must be made; and in so doing, truth manifests. but as is all too often the case, the truth of a thing is not quite so pretty.
but now that this nebulous thing has been given form, it may be analyzed. we can come to understand it, critique it, learn from it. in my most recent undertaking, i've discovered several (quite basic) things:
draw without zooming in
the details, while pretty, become disjointed from the whole, and ultimately subtract from the piece
define your canvas
i have a tendency to draw in a void, without clear boundaries. it's a freeing experience, but the overall composition suffers greatly. so much time invested, and it is only on completion that i realize my efforts were damned from the start. how frustrating! too many small parts have become precious, i can't bear to crop any of them out. and so the piece becomes an expression of my vanity. my desire to show off.
define your intentions
my intentions, too, are misguided. my process, fundamentally flawed. if i'm ever to be happy, i must do things correctly. i can't accidentally fall into greatness, intention must guide my every step.
is it hypocritical to feel uncomfortable with image diffusion models, but use chatgpt to help me write javascript functions?
probably.
most certainly, if the issue is the legality of the training data; but possibly, if the issue is more philosophical in nature.
asking for assistance with coding feels like searching for a tutorial on a better version of google. generating an image and calling it art feels like an assault on my humanity.
but fundamentally, they're probably more similar than not. so i guess i will have to settle for probably being a hypocrite.
raindrops
forming thoughts
on my window
pitter-patter
what's the matter
where did you go?
poetry sure is embarrassing! this came to mind after reading a blog post about someone's traumatic experience putting their cat to sleep. i, too, have felt this pain. i hope they're doing okay.
i updated the sakura theme to be a bit less blinding, please hard refresh to see it! i also added a sakura version of the tree, press the little triangles to swap them. i actually really like it now, i kind of want to update the site to make it the default theme but... that would require changing the default css on every single page, and there are a lot!! for now please just reapply the sakura theme and it will then work on every page!
it's fascinating how the tarot always seems to answer me. i'm aware that the cards are designed to apply to a variety of situations, but somehow i always seem to draw exactly what i needed to hear. the cynic in me knows it's confirmation bias, but a part of me wants to believe, even a little.
yesterday i did a past present future spread and my result was:
the hermit - soul-searching, introspection, being alone, inner guidance
the fool - beginnings, innocence, spontaneity, a free spirit
the devil - shadow self, attachment, addiction, restriction, sexuality
the past and present are spot on. i was living like a hermit - closed off, private, contemplative - until i spontaneously decided to begin a new project and make a website. the future is not so clear, perhaps it is warning me about becoming too addicted to the negative aspects of a visible online presence? of falling back into bad habits? i'll try and be mindful of my mental state going forward, i do have a habit of falling into depression on the completion of a project.
another example of the cards being oddly relevant; earlier i asked 'what should i do today?' and my result was:
eight of pentacles - apprenticeship, repetitive tasks, mastery, skill development
lately i've been working on this site quite obsessively, but i also have some drawing and 3d tasks on the backburner that have been on my mind.
i asked for clarification on which skill i should be honing and i got:
page of swords - new ideas, curiosity, thirst for knowledge, new ways of communicating
i'll take that as an endorsement of this endeavor! or perhaps i should start a new project focused on communication...? writing isn't the only form!
i don't normally pull cards that often, but the webgame i made makes it so easy and fun!
i've added a guestbook, please use it responsibly!
i realize this site has become something like a collection of fragments of myself, a digital scrapbook of my hobbies, my interests, my passions. it has been remarkably cathartic to go through old bookmarks and files and see just how much i've done with my time on earth. i also realize just how much is forgotten in the day to day.
i finally finished the interactive tarot game! it was terribly tedious but i'm so happy with the result! \o/ i scaled the rider-waite cards down and did a quick'n'dirty pixel effect (they need to be cleaned up, but that will be a project for future me), and i'm shocked at how well they still read. it truly is a testament to Pamela Colman Smith's design!