the more i stain this place with 'myself', the less you will like it - because we are not the same. if we were to become the same, at that moment, we would again be alone.
maybe that's why god exploded
i find my intentions for this space growing as time progresses.
ideas become small as you realize them.
i'm not a fan of the 'like' feature on this platform; i'm torn on the 'followers'. for so long i've avoided social media - i know i'm the type to get sucked in by numerical measures of recognition.
i find myself satisfied by the view count alone (even if many are my own). it's enough to believe that someone saw.
regarding followers - it's convenient to follow sites i enjoy, but i view it more as a focused collection of bookmarks. i don't want to feel pressured (or exert pressure on others) to 'follow back'
my intention was to create pictures which could not exist outside of a webpage - for both nostalgic and egotistical purposes. i believed i've achieved a facsimile of this through layered divs, but the result is still very basic.
my second, truer, intention was to make my presence known, in some small way. "to carve a piece of myself unto the ever changing sands of time".
i've drawn many pictures, but liked few of them. i was always testing... ideas, techniques, my understanding - but i could never apply it to something i truly wanted to create. i didn't know what i wanted to create. i did studies, over and over again with the belief that someday i would be ready.
in truth, i was afraid to fail. afraid of not living up to my own expectations.
after creating this space, i can see clearly now how small my efforts are - and yet, they are my own. although initially i had grander fantasies, for now whatever comes forth is enough.
i hope you can enjoy this small piece of myself.
the other day i was reminded of the concept of lateralization in the brain. i had discarded the idea sometime ago, but i've recently discovered a use for it in my artistic endeavors.
to put it simply, i find it easier to draw while listening to someone speak, and more difficult when enjoying music*. my theory is that, while the language-based hemisphere is distracted, it's easier for the intuitive side to take over; and vise versa, when the abstract side is engaged by the pleasure of sound, the analytical partition takes the reigns - steering the piece into a stiff, inorganic construction.
i also noted, while doing more mechanical tasks (like filling in the lineart), that i had difficulty following the speaker, and longed for a melody to pass the time. thinking back, i often did my math homework while listening to music.
maybe none of this has any relation to hemispheres at all, and is simply a product of my imagination (or confirmation bias). regardless, i struggled less during the process and felt more satisfied with the result when following this method; perhaps it could be useful to you, too.
*music without vocals
it's been longer than i would have liked. how easily inspiration turns to despair! regardless, we must continue taking steps, no matter how unsteady.
i had no intention of publishing entries like this at the outset.
however, after taking a look at other sites, i've changed my mind. i found that, after a while, the most enjoyable part was living for a moment in another's mind. perhaps someone will find this interesting as well.
although the result is nice, i need to increase my speed/fluidity and develop a reliable method - otherwise my thoughts will float away before i can capture them!
ultimately i want to tell a story, even if it's only fragments presently ("plumes"). there is something about the simple bluntness of the first that i really enjoyed, i would like to repeat that in the future. deliberated over the use of color; it's an important moment, so i think it's okay.
threw away a day of work; the sketch feels more alive - it always does. i'll redo it tomorrow. think i overworked myself today, i need to take breaks. we need to finish, but we don't need to rush.